"C'mon, I'll do youa favor too. I'll do all your laundry this summer. Do you want me toclean your room or something? You know I don't have any money!" Well," I said, and trailed off, like I was considering her offer.She saw my resolve weakening and jumped in: "Please! Whatever youwant! Just don't tell Dad." Okay," I said. "Here's what I want. I want what Todd got."It took a few seconds for her face to react. I couldn't believe I'dactually said it, and clearly she couldn't either, but I was tryinghard to stay calm. Here's where it was going to go my way or allbreak down."You want...what? Are you serious? That's disgusting, Mark!" Sheput up a good show of being indignant, but I could tell underneath shewas still mostly scared about Dad. Perfect."Okay," I said, and started to leave the room again. "No problem.I'll just wait for Dad then." No!" She yelled, and ran to shut the door before I could go throughit. "Lemme think for a minute! Jesus."I watched her face carefully. Was a man’s hunger really that great, he wondered, that he would switch sides at the slightest hint of the chance of spilling some seed? Ralph tortured himself with trying to conform to what was expected of him as a straight man. Why did it matter what anyone thought of him, he wondered, when he was invisible to most people. And just when he had reconciled himself to going round and sticking it to the young man the guard dog in his brain would ask why he was even contemplating such a thought. At which point the pendulum would swing again and he could see the pizza and cold beer in his mind’s eye and imagine the pleasant chat and how good it would feel to bury the bone. Fuck it, fuck it, fuck it! The poor man was totally undecided. When his shift finished Derrick jumped in his car and told himself that he would just drive back to the hostel. But the thought of that austere room when he could be guzzling beer was not appealing. He flicked the interior light on and took the card out of.
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